I’ve noticed that my hair style has changed over the last few years. I’ve also noticed something about these changes; each one corresponds with the specifics of that certain year in the St. John’s College program.

Let me take some space/time to elaborate and lay this out:

Freshman year: I have been given foundations, principles, initial hairstylings, etc., from my family and my childhood. I know my style well enough to think that this is what I like, so why should I change it? It’s safe. I like being safe. But then, I’m out on my own all of a sudden. Every time I try to defend this my style in conversations, I realize how untamed and frazzled that I actually keep it and I realize: I’ve not really EVER taken care of my hair. Suddenly, my founding principles are questioned, and my safety is completely shattered. In other words, I’ve been thrown into the deep end. What is a hair strand, and what makes it work? What is frizz? What does care of self even mean? These are all questions that I am suddenly bombarded by and I don’t know how to even address them. I am now in that place they have called aporia for thousands of years.

Sophomore year: I’ve decided I’ve had enough of the frizz and tangles, and I want something simple for once. Why not chop it all off and go back to the basics? Start short, learn the rules, and see what happens. How bad can that be? This is what it felt like reading the Bible. The Old Testament is filled with short stories, short rules, and many small and big examples of what it’s like to start at the beginning. We are now addressing the questions of the founding principles. However, taking care of this short, simple “hair” proves to be more difficult than anticipated. Questions about even these principles, built partly on elements of last year’s inquiries, arise in a way where things are still unanswerable, especially in class. Why? Because God has entered into the equation. He has been introduced as the One Who created everything, and knows every hair on my head. In other words, He is the Source of all hair. Ponderings don’t go much past this. He is the Foundation, and we don’t have so much trouble reconciling that as recognizing it.

Junior year: Now that we have chopped everything back to basics, it’s time to experiment with what we have, because we are never content when we realize something potentially deeper lies beneath the surface. This was the year that I thought hairspray would hep keep everything discrete and categorized, especially through all the change going on in my life at the time. As it turns out, the hairspray became a crutch preventing experimentation, as did many of my categorizing thoughts in class. Everything was well put-together, but something was still missing. Because form of the hair and not content was the focus, I did not realize that I had different wants for my hair and I did not let them through.

Senior year: I have had enough! I miss my ponytails, I miss what was familiar! I miss being able to take care of something that I knew was mine. But wait… now that I have asked all the questions possible and experimented, do I really want to return to the way it was? I guess I will never really return to the way I was before, because hair grows differently with age. Heck, if we get a newly regenerated body every seven years, then who am I to say that longer hair will be a return to normal? I suppose all that is left to do is to press forward, knowing that I will always be re-addressing and re-assessing questions that may have been resolved. Now that I know I am in a consistently-changing stage of growth and development, the best I can do is to handle the change as it comes, living in the moment as much as I can. I can’t anticipate every accident that may befall this head of mine, but I can always try to meet the situation with what I have been given and with what I have learned from experience and discussion and thoughts. Somewhere in there, life is found and keeps moving.

I think this gives a whole new meaning to expecting the unexpected. While not every incident is prone to foresight, reactions to these incidents can be controlled. In the end, I may not like the troubling frizz that comes my way, but I recognize it as something I do not like and I know I am now able to combat and prevent it with the tools I have. I now have the control to press and grow forward.